It’s not that I’m hungover or can nap it away. It’s likely that I woke up, got dizzy and had to drop to the floor with weakness. It might be because I didn’t sleep at all or am running on two hours light sleep.
If I don’t have the energy to lift my hand to brush my hair because there is no energy in my cells, it’s unlikely I will make it to that thing we were going to do. And I’m truly sorry. I’m wretched with guilt for letting you down again. Believe me I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, teacher, and colleague.
It’s not being able to exercise like I used to, hike, boxing, weights, dance, CrossFit, the list goes on. It’s because I never enter deep sleep my body never repairs fully. It’s stretching on my yoga mat at 4 a.m. in the morning because the pain and spasms and burning radiate through me, keeping my mind awake and distressed. It’s because I have to think out every step of an activity and make sure I’m safe, have a way home if I power down, and I do not want to cause a scene or be “that person” looking for attention because I have to mention the word illness, or be the one at a meal that says I can’t eat gluten, dairy, sugar, caffeine and alcohol…That I can’t make it out tonight.
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